Safer Sex: Partner Communication

To reach mutual understanding and agreement on sexual health issues, choose a convenient time when you will both be free of distractions.

Choose a relaxing environment in a neutral location, like a coffee bar or a park, where neither of you will feel pressured.

Use "I" statements when talking. For example, "I feel that abstinence is right for me at this time." Or, "I would feel more comfortable if we used a condom."

Be assertive! Do not let fear of how your partner might react stop you from talking with him/her.

Be a good listener. Let your partner know that you hear, understand, and care about what she/he is saying and feeling.

Be "ask-able"—let your partner know you are open to questions and that you won’t jump on him/her or be offended by questions.

Be patient with your partner, and remain firm in your decision that talking is important.

Recognize your limits. You can’t communicate alone or protect you both alone, and you don’t have to know all the answers.

Understand that success in talking does not mean one person getting the other person to do something. It means that you both have said what you think and feel respectfully and honestly and that you have both listened respectfully to the other.

Get information to help you each make informed decisions.

Avoid making assumptions. Ask open-ended questions to discuss relationship expectations, past and present sexual relationships, contraceptive use, and testing for STIs, including HIV, among other issues. For example, "What do you think about our agreeing to avoid sex until after we graduate?" Or, "What do you think about our using hormonal contraception as well as condoms?" Not, "Did you get the condoms?" Or, "When will you have sex with me?"

Ask for more information when unsure. Ask questions to clarify what you believe you heard. For example, "I think you said that you want us to use both condoms and birth control pills? Is that right?" Or, "I think you want us both to wait until we graduate to have sex? Is that right?"

Avoid judging, labeling, blaming, threatening or bribing your partner. Don’t let your partner judge, label, blame, threaten, or bribe you.

Do not wait until you become sexually intimate to discuss safer sex with your partner. In the heat of the moment, you and your partner may be unable to talk effectively.

Stick by your decision. Don’t be swayed by lines like, "If you loved me, you would have sex with me." Or, "If you loved me, you would trust me and not use a condom."