Domestic Violence between Same-Sex Couples

This feature was created by Eric, a YouthResource intern

When feminists first brought the issue of domestic violence into the nation’s consciousness, this form of abuse didn’t have a name; some even believed that men had a right to hit their wives or girlfriends. As domestic violence became more clearly defined, governments enacted laws and nonprofits opened shelters for the (mostly) female victims of domestic violence. Being beaten is not something to be endured in a relationship; it is, in fact, a crime.

The nation’s continuing focus on physical violence within heterosexual relationships and on the mostly female victims of domestic violence ignores or overlooks the fact that violence occurs within same-sex relationships. Unfortunately, domestic violence looms over the GLBT community like a shadow, with many members of the community failing or refusing to acknowledge its existence. As a result, gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender people who suddenly find this problem confronting them in their own relationships also find that they don’t know where to turn for help. This lack of knowledge stops now!

Domestic violence is the physical, emotional, or psychological abuse an individual inflicts upon a date or a domestic partner. Domestic violence can be perpetrated on anyone and by anyone, regardless of biological sex, sexual orientation, gender identity, or gender expression. In fact, a 2003 study by the Georgetown University Medical Center indicated that “homosexual men are just as likely as heterosexual women to be victims of domestic violence,” with as many as one in five having been in an abusive relationship at some point in life. Simultaneously, the National Coalition of Anti-Violence Programs (NCAVP) released its annual report on domestic violence in the GLBT community, concluding that rates of domestic abuse are high among young people. Out of the 6,523 cases of same-sex domestic violence (SSDV) reported in 11 cities across North America, nearly 20 percent (1,290 cases) involved individuals 29 years or younger, and eight percent (491 cases) involved people under age 22. Likewise, NCAVP reported that just over half (51 percent) of all SSDV cases occurred between men; 36 percent occurred between women; and three percent involved transgender people. In addition, the biological sex and/or gender identity of those involved was not reported in 10 percent of cases.

Members of the GLBT community need to know the traits of an abusive relationship. Domestic violence includes (but is not limited to):

  • Physical abuse (such as hitting, slapping, biting, and choking);
  • Sexual abuse (such as forcible rape and/or forced genital contact);
  • Emotional abuse (deliberately causing a partner to feel ashamed, guilty, humiliated, etc.);
  • Threats and intimidation (such as threatening to kill, injure, or “out” a partner);
  • Isolation (such as keeping a partner from seeing friends and family, cutting off outside contacts, etc.); and
  • Economic abuse (such as controlling or limiting a partner’s access to money, to work, etc.).

If a partner has used or attempted to use any of these tactics on you, you are probably in an abusive relationship. Fortunately, resources exist to help you and to help you get out of the abusive relationship.

Get Help

According to the National Gay and Lesbian Task Force, Washington, DC, and 30 states (California, Colorado, Connecticut, Hawaii, Idaho, Illinois, Iowa, Kansas, Massachusetts, Michigan, Minnesota, Mississippi, Missouri, Nebraska, Nevada, New Hampshire, New Jersey, New Mexico, North Dakota, Oklahoma, Oregon, Pennsylvania, Rhode Island, Tennessee, Texas, Vermont, Washington, West Virginia, Wisconsin, and Wyoming) have laws in place to protect anyone from domestic violence, regardless of biological sex, sexual orientation, or gender identity. Only six states ( Delaware, Louisiana, Montana, New York, South Carolina, and Virginia) specifically exclude victims of same-sex domestic violence from obtaining a civil protection order (see below) or filing domestic violence charges against a partner. Nevertheless, no matter where you live, you can take steps to protect yourself.

  1. If your life is in danger call the police.
  2. Talk to a friend or relative about what has been going on and how you are feeling.
  3. Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline, 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) . Trained counselors will listen to you and can refer you to a local service provider.
  4. If possible, find a local organization that serves the GLBT community specifically on matters of domestic violence.
  5. Get a civil protection order (a restraining order that specifically targets domestic violence). Both GLBT-affiliated and non-GLBT-affiliated organizations can provide you with information on how to obtain a civil protection order, which is often your most powerful tool against the attacker.

Remember, it is not your fault!You are not to blame for your partner’s irresponsible and violent behavior; only your partner is to blame. You are a survivor, and you have the right to be treated with dignity and respect. You have every right to a relationship with someone who will respect you and treat you fairly.

References:

http://www.thetaskforce.org/theissues/issue.cfm?issueID=31

  • “New Study Shows Urban Gay Men as Likely to be Battered as Heterosexual Women.” Washington, DC: Georgetown University Medical Center, 24 January 2003.

http://gumc.georgetown.edu/communications/releases/battered_01242003.htm

  • Washington DC Metropolitan Police Department’s Gay and Lesbian Liaison Unit.

http://www.gaydc.net/gllu/