Online Dating

by Alex Franka, former Advocates for Youth staff member

During the last decade, more and more young people have gained access to the Internet. Now it is rare to find a young person that does not have access to the virtual world behind the screen of a computer.

One of the most coveted places for a young person to be is chat rooms. Chat rooms have revolutionized the way people meet, and have the extra ingredient of giving you the opportunity to talk -in real time, with people that otherwise you would not meet: people from other cities, other schools, other countries, other cultures.

These chat rooms, which can be hosted by big companies or by small firms, have a space for everybody to fit in: it does not matter what your interests are, there will always be a chat room for you, people willing to establish communication just to exchange messages or to establish a friendship or to meet in person.

From all the rooms you can find in online chat services, the friendship & romance rooms are the most popular - sometimes outnumbering the rooms for other topics. Subsequently, our on-line advisors have gotten more and more questions about the "dos and don'ts" of meeting someone from the chatrooms "IRL" - in real life.

What should you consider when you want to meet someone online for romance or friendship? What are the dangers of meeting in person? How can you know if the person chatting on the other end is really who he or she claims to be? This feature is designed to help you find answers to these and other questions, so that you can be armed with enough information to make the best decision.

What can be behind a nickname?

This is a question most people don't think that much about. Most will just read the nickname and the brief description or profile of the person, and exchange pictures. After all, why would the other person lie or distort who he or she is? If he or she is interested in meeting someone, the most obvious thing to do is to be honest, right? Well, there are many reasons the other person could be lying to you, and that is why you have to keep on asking questions and pay attention to the answers.

The fact that someone's nickname is "fab_blond", does not necessarily mean that he or she is blond. Maybe he or she is someone who would like to be blond, who likes blond people, who like the music from Blondie, who smoke blond cigarettes, who's last name is Blond, and so on. The same could happen with someone whose nickname is "astro_boy": maybe he is not even a boy, maybe he is a grown up man or a woman posing as a young person; maybe this "astro_boy" is into astrology or into astral experiences. This is something you won't know just by reading the profile of the person -oftentimes profiles can be very deceiving. To know the truth you must ask a lot of questions and pay close attention to the answers.

Another important thing to consider is that oftentimes people reflect their "alter egos" in their nicknames. They use nicknames that in one way or another reflect what they would like to be, or what they think they should be. They want to project in their nickname their "best self". For example, someone by the nickname of "sexystud", might be someone who in real life does not feel comfortable with his image, so he will project his "best self" or "ideal self" in his nickname. Going back to the example of "fab_blond", maybe this person's dream or ideal is to be blond, even though in real life their hair color might be charcoal black.

Let's not forget that we live in a society that perpetuates -by one way or another, the false notion that image is everything; and because of this some people might not feel that they fit in society's image standards, so they will go online and pretend to be something that they're not. Some people will even go to the extent of using a picture that is not theirs.

Do's and don'ts of online friendship/romance

• Don't give your real name, phone, address, or exact location to anybody online. As we said before, you have no guarantees that the person you're chatting with online is what he/she claims to be. Remember that there are a lot of predators online. They can be charming and friendly, but may actually be looking for a victim that would disclose personal information to them. Later they may use that information for purposes other than meeting for a coffee. If you want to give your location for chatting purposes, you can use a very general regional location, for example instead of saying that you are in such and such neighborhood, city or region, you might want to say "I live in LA, or "I live north of LA".
• Don't give away your phone number. If you really want to talk with the person you just chatted with try to find a way that he/she won't get a hold of your phone number. For example, activate the phone number blocking featured -if offered, by your telephone company; or purchase a phone card to call from a pay phone. Don't call him/her collect, since your phone number will appear on their bill. Taking the step of disclosing your phone number or calling someone you met online is a serious step you really need to think about.
• Your picture, another delicate issue… Well, if you're really thinking about posting your picture online you have to think first that anybody can right click on it and save it on their hard drive, and even if the page where your pic is posted has some coding that disables this mouse function, a copy of your pic can be stored automatically in the Temporary Internet Files Folder, of anybody's hard drive. Unless you're absolutely sure you don't care where your picture might end up, you should not post your picture online. Not a picture of yourself, and not a picture of yourself with someone else -unless you have gotten their permission first.
• Pay close attention to the veracity of the information you're getting from the person you are chatting with. If you're chatting with someone who says that he/she drives a Mercedes, lives in a loft and goes skiing to the Swiss Alps with the family, but at the same time is chatting through a computer at a cyber café, chances are this person is not being honest and might be trying to lure you by saying things you might want to hear. Things that sounds nice and inviting. Just as people like to brag in person when they're at a party, some might take advantage of the anonymity of the Internet to brag even more. After all, no one is there to see them in real life. Once again, paying close attention to the information you're getting might be useful to identify a con, or an adult who's trying to pose as a young person. Young people might drive a Mercedes (their dad's) but they's probably rather go with their friends to California than to the Swiss Alps with their parents.
• Don't give too much information about yourself at first. Save your personal information for last; and if you feel that the person at the other end is either asking you for too much information or giving you too much information about him/herself it is time for you to distrust, and even to think about moving on to chat with someone else. When someone is really interested in getting to know you, the chat will flow smoothly, and you will notice that each thread of the conversation is not a forced one but a natural one. Also, if you feel you're being asked very personal information you don't feel comfortable disclosing, don't hesitate to disconnect with that chatter. Some chat services even allow you to "rate" the overall performance of that specific chatter and you can even write an email to the chat service, letting them know about the behavior of this person, so they will take measures such as banning this person from the chat room or redirecting them to the right room.
• This last paragraph also applies to you. Use appropriate wording/behavior in chat rooms ; if you behave "naughty", you will attract "naughty" and maybe even dangerous people. You will also lower the respect others might have towards you online.

When, how, where and if to meet?

OK, you have been chatting with someone for a while now, and think you want to meet IRL (In Real Life). Proceed with caution. Have you asked enough questions on-line? Have you spoken over the phone? Can you be certain that you will be safe if you meet this person IRL? Are you sure that this person is really a young person? Have all of the conversations between you made sense -do his/her answers about himself/herself add up? Did you feel uncomfortable during any of the conversations? Did you ever feel like he/she was pushing you to disclose things about yourself? Think twice before meeting with anyone you've met online.

What now?

If you decide to meet, begin by having realistic expectations. Sometimes people are one way online or on the phone, and a completely different way in person. Shy people or people that in person would never start a conversation or lead a conversation might find useful the anonymity of chat rooms to express themselves. The fact that someone is talkative and has an interesting conversation does not mean you'll get the same IRL. Oftentimes, people don't look in person the same way they looked in their pictures. Sometimes people will use old pictures, that don't reflect how they look like now. Be sure to get a recent picture if you're planning to meet IRL with the person.

If you decide to meet be careful:

• Always take a friend with you. There is safety in numbers. Your friend may be able to assess the situation better than you can--with a clear head and few expectations. Later you can discuss this new person together-- assess his/her attitude and discuss whether you were both comfortable with this new person.
• Always meet in a public space. Never agree to meet in someone's home or somewhere far from public activity, such as parking lots, quiet areas of parks, or the suburbs. This is for your own protection. A great place to meet can be a busy coffee shop, or a busy area at the mall. The idea is to make it as public as you can.
• Don't agree to meet "a relative" or "a friend" of the person you're supposed to meet. If he/she says that he/she can't be on time but that a friend will be there waiting for you, simply don't go. And if you attend and the person you meet does not look at all like the picture, leave immediately. Chances are this is a predator that set a trap for you.
• Don't make plans with your date for him/her to pick you up somewhere. The best idea is to get to the final destination on your own. You never know what can happen inside the car. The same rule applies for when the date is over; take your own transportation instead of accepting a ride back, this also helps ensure that your home address is not disclosed to your date -at least not yet.
• Tell someone besides the friend you take with you, where and when you're meeting this person, and if you own a cell phone have that person you at a certain time during your date, to make sure everything is all right. If you don't own a cell phone, you can always use a payphone and call your friend. If during the date you feel something is not right but you're still not sure what it is, tell the person on the phone this then leave as soon as possible.
• Never leave your personal belongings unattended, that is, under the attention of your date. Remember that if your personal information and house keys are inside your purse or your backpack, you're basically giving to your date access to this information or items.
• With the proliferation of "rape drugs" such as Rohypnol, it would be wise not to leave your drink unattended either
• If after a while the person you meet suggests going somewhere else, be cautious, Ask why he/she wants to go somewhere else, and suggest using public transportation instead of driving. Follow up with a phone call to your friend to let him/her know about the change of location. If you don't feel comfortable don't go.

Final thoughts

If you follow these guidelines your chat experience can be safer and more fun. At the end you want this person to be either your friend or something more, but to make the experience enjoyable you have to exercise caution and judgment and not go head over heels. There have been stories on the news recently about sexual predators using the chat rooms to lure their victims, so if you decide to go be cautious.